Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget he has Asperger's. 

You know when you see something over and over and over again it becomes your norm and you forget it's odd or different.  I automatically take his hand down from his head when he starts to scratch or pull at his hair.  I no longer hear that he is repeating the last sentence he speaks in a conversation.  His facial tics become invisible.  My literal answers to his many 'common sense' questions don't bother me anymore.  I make him and myself vulnerable for a breakdown.

Simple things can and will set him off.  Loud noises.  Too much excitement or too many emotions.  Too many strangers.  People touching him, this includes most of his family.  The list goes on.  Any one of these things can trigger him....now, be me this past weekend and allow all of these things to happen in the span of a half a day.

The scene: A lovely, exciting, long awaited birthday party for a friend he hasn't seen in almost a year.  To make it worse I had planned to leave him there for the night...apparently I had forgotten we have a more complicated life than this.  Apparently, I forgot that he has AS and we need to tread slowly into these events.  Seeing his longtime friend would be enough to trigger some AS behaviors...the sheer happiness overloading his senses.  Then came the overstimulated and dispondent look on his face. The hand flapping and pacing told me this was not good.  Then the tears began to flow.  The unknowns were overloading his comfort zone.  He didn't want to stay, he didn't want to leave. Would I call him to say goodnight or would I forget like I did last time?   He COULDN'T decide what would be a better choice.  Too many negative feelings on both sides of the decision complicated his reasoning.  He was stuck in his confusion and couldn't get out.  So, he agreed to let me decide for him.  I decided he would leave with me.  I couldn't make my friend who was hosting a party be responsible for whatever he would do after I left.  I had to take him away from the friends, the games, the cake and ice cream.  Take him away from the loud strangers, and the feeling of missing me while I'm away, and from any of the unknown events that would take place.

I threw too many triggers at him at once.  I expected him to be ok.  I asked for too much.  He response didn't surprise me.  It hurt me for him and me mad at myself.  He knew his brother and sister would stay at the party, that was definetely fuel for the fit to last longer than usual.  He blamed me for taking him away from the fun, but he also would have blamed me for leaving him if he lost it while I was gone.  It was a lose-lose situation for me. 

So we left.  I stuck him in a car for 2 hours (again, not a bright choice)  and then sat him in a room full of people looking at him and touching him and talking to him...not a good combo since we still hadn't fully come down from the birthday party debacle.  He was so over it by the end of the day. I can barely believe that I allowed that day to happen. 

These are only some of the details.  Just getting these words out are enough bring the sting of tears back to my eyes.

I can't put the emotions of it all into words.  I can't tell you how it feels when you can't leave your son with a trusted family member or friend because there are too many unknowns for him, he can't handle it.  Nor can I tell how it feels when he tells me how uncomfortable he is when his family hugs or touches him.  I don't know how to explain all of this so you will be comfortable with it when you see him pulling his hair or repeating himself or screaming or behaving in a way you don't understand.  Words don't do justice describing any of these little/big things that we have to consider while we raise this beautiful child.  Sometimes I feel like I fail him. 

Thankfully, a little moral support is helpful.  A small word of encouragement can go a long way to a mom...any mom.  Those of us with kids on the spectrum have to make difficult decisions.  These decisions will break our hearts for them.  It's ok to ask difficult questions, we want you to understand what we are going through.  We want you to be comfortable with us, we want you to be comfortable with our kids. Help us help our kids by accepting them and all of the quirks-whether you understand them or not-and encouraging your kids to accept them too.