Reflections of a 12 Year Marriage

Special occassions, like my anniversary, always bring me to a time of reflection.  Remembering how it all started and came together is fun and nostalgic and warms my heart.  We spend so much time worrying about our decisions in the moment, Is this the right path? What if it doesn't work out in the long term? I'm just not sure if this is God's will. I have so many opportunities, I don't know what to do!!, that we forget to breathe and trust God.  Hindsight is great for a morale boost!  I get a perspective like none other.  We get to see how it wasn't as bad as we thought it was going to be.  I get to look back and say, 'This has been a lot of fun and I have been so blessed...all that worry was for nothing!'.  It can be great for a kick in the pants as well, but I want to dwell on the good things today.

So, today, on my 12th anniversary I get to look back with love and appreciate the good times(family vacations) and bad (when Liam was a newborn and Rob left for Iraq & I had to finish moving us from Rockford by myself) ,the times when we were richer and the times we were poorer (and lived off of hot dogs and mac&cheese), when we had sickness and when we had health, and most importantly, when we have loved each other...foresaking all others. <3  We have had all these moments at different stages of our marriage...and thankfully, 12 years later, we still have each other.  From the night of our first date at Applebee's to today as we celebrate our marriage, I know that I have been loved.

I encourage you to look back today. How did you meet your spouse?  Where did you live when your first child was born?  How did it feel to take your son to his first day of highschool?  Relive the pride in your heart when you children perform in their piano recitals.  Remember those harried moments and the moments of bliss.  Remember the details of your life and how you came to be in this place at this time.  Maybe this day is your anniversary as well...look back at your marriage.  It goes by so quickly.  Take a moment to love it and appreciate it.  Remember what made you fall in love to begin with.  We sometimes need to remember why we jumped in in the first place. 

Happy Anniversary Robert.  I love you!

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget he has Asperger's. 

You know when you see something over and over and over again it becomes your norm and you forget it's odd or different.  I automatically take his hand down from his head when he starts to scratch or pull at his hair.  I no longer hear that he is repeating the last sentence he speaks in a conversation.  His facial tics become invisible.  My literal answers to his many 'common sense' questions don't bother me anymore.  I make him and myself vulnerable for a breakdown.

Simple things can and will set him off.  Loud noises.  Too much excitement or too many emotions.  Too many strangers.  People touching him, this includes most of his family.  The list goes on.  Any one of these things can trigger him....now, be me this past weekend and allow all of these things to happen in the span of a half a day.

The scene: A lovely, exciting, long awaited birthday party for a friend he hasn't seen in almost a year.  To make it worse I had planned to leave him there for the night...apparently I had forgotten we have a more complicated life than this.  Apparently, I forgot that he has AS and we need to tread slowly into these events.  Seeing his longtime friend would be enough to trigger some AS behaviors...the sheer happiness overloading his senses.  Then came the overstimulated and dispondent look on his face. The hand flapping and pacing told me this was not good.  Then the tears began to flow.  The unknowns were overloading his comfort zone.  He didn't want to stay, he didn't want to leave. Would I call him to say goodnight or would I forget like I did last time?   He COULDN'T decide what would be a better choice.  Too many negative feelings on both sides of the decision complicated his reasoning.  He was stuck in his confusion and couldn't get out.  So, he agreed to let me decide for him.  I decided he would leave with me.  I couldn't make my friend who was hosting a party be responsible for whatever he would do after I left.  I had to take him away from the friends, the games, the cake and ice cream.  Take him away from the loud strangers, and the feeling of missing me while I'm away, and from any of the unknown events that would take place.

I threw too many triggers at him at once.  I expected him to be ok.  I asked for too much.  He response didn't surprise me.  It hurt me for him and me mad at myself.  He knew his brother and sister would stay at the party, that was definetely fuel for the fit to last longer than usual.  He blamed me for taking him away from the fun, but he also would have blamed me for leaving him if he lost it while I was gone.  It was a lose-lose situation for me. 

So we left.  I stuck him in a car for 2 hours (again, not a bright choice)  and then sat him in a room full of people looking at him and touching him and talking to him...not a good combo since we still hadn't fully come down from the birthday party debacle.  He was so over it by the end of the day. I can barely believe that I allowed that day to happen. 

These are only some of the details.  Just getting these words out are enough bring the sting of tears back to my eyes.

I can't put the emotions of it all into words.  I can't tell you how it feels when you can't leave your son with a trusted family member or friend because there are too many unknowns for him, he can't handle it.  Nor can I tell how it feels when he tells me how uncomfortable he is when his family hugs or touches him.  I don't know how to explain all of this so you will be comfortable with it when you see him pulling his hair or repeating himself or screaming or behaving in a way you don't understand.  Words don't do justice describing any of these little/big things that we have to consider while we raise this beautiful child.  Sometimes I feel like I fail him. 

Thankfully, a little moral support is helpful.  A small word of encouragement can go a long way to a mom...any mom.  Those of us with kids on the spectrum have to make difficult decisions.  These decisions will break our hearts for them.  It's ok to ask difficult questions, we want you to understand what we are going through.  We want you to be comfortable with us, we want you to be comfortable with our kids. Help us help our kids by accepting them and all of the quirks-whether you understand them or not-and encouraging your kids to accept them too. 

Celebrating My Weaknesses...Or at Least Trying to!!

2 Corinthians 12:9

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

I have been a mother for 15 years.  I have smelled the breath of my newborn babies and poured my love into them as I rocked them in my arms.  I have ended the diaper era after, what seems, a zillion diapers.  I have felt the pride swell up in my chest as each child has mastered two wheels (but not before bandaging the knees of, what seems, a zillion falls first).  I have grounded, given consequences, yelled, screamed and stamped my feet at their disobedience and disrepect.  I have melted in sloppy kisses, held on extra long to hugs around my neck, and cherished many conversations that have started with 'Momma, I love you more than....'. 

Ahhh...those were the days.  Those were the days of being CONFIDENT in my choices with them.  The days of 'knowing' what I was doing.  I don't remember ever really second guessing my decisions as their mother.  I could look at them and know exactly what they needed.  I certainly thought I was in the most difficult stage of motherhood.  What could be worse than having 2 babies in diapers, one child potty training and another struggling with the angst of early elementary drama.  That was a very naive thought.  Though I truly did struggle and I truly was tired, I didn't consider that the future would be rewarding, but far more challenging.

The truth is....I speak baby and toddler much more fluently than teenager and tween.  I have read many books and was 'prepared' for this stage....or as prepared as I could have been.  There is a stark difference between book knowledge and real life experience.  My feelings get hurt a lot.  I'm ignored.  I'm an embarrassment.    I 'just don't understand'.  I am at the receiving end of the hormonal lashings.  (Keep in mind that I NEVER treated my mother this way...ha ha ha!)   I often look at my older kids and question myself.  They are so beautiful.  So talented.  So strong.  So fragile.  I acknowledge the big responsibility of leading, guiding, and loving them through this time in their lives.  I feel the weight of doing, saying, and being what they need at just the right time more than ever. 

The reality is....I often don't have the right answers.  I don't know the right thing to do or be.  Is it too much?  Is it not enough?  Is it fair?  I am constantly second guessing myself in discipline.  What is happening behind my back.....or do I even want to know?  Wait! I DO want to know!  Decisions, decisions.

I'm so thankful for the redeeming moments.  I know that when affection or attention is given it's sincere.  I know that we can have mature conversations about real issues...there is value in discussing world issues as opposed to reading Dr. Seuss books.  I can walk away from my house for a while and not worry that they will burn it down before I get back.  Household chores have become easier...supervising a lot more these days (nice change of pace in that area).  Major milestones in the adolescent years seem bigger as I know they will be fewer and farther in between.  Conversations that start with 'Mom, what do you think about...' are just as precious as the aforementioned. 

I am aware that I trek through uncharted territory in my life.  I am also aware that as the younger children are in these later stages I probably won't be so neurotic.  That is comforting.  The lack of confidence is a hang up for me though.  I have to get used to it.  I have to let God's Word come alive in this area of my life.  I believe what 2 Corinthians 12:9 says.  I just have to stop relying on my own understanding as, in this area, I don't have a true understanding of what I'm doing!!  I have to be ok with that.  His power IS perfected in my weakness.  His grace IS sufficient for me!  Again, thank you God for having more confidence in me than I have in myself. 

Bright Sunshiny Day

Seth has been on Intuniv for almost 3 weeks.  I'm praising God that we see  positive results!  He has a crisp look in his eyes.  That is so refreshing for him.  He hasn't gotten distracted by his thoughts during a conversation at all that I've noticed, and believe me..I'm paying close attention.  If he loses track, like we all do, he has been able to pick right up and carry on. My heart is happy for Seth.  His wise and wonderful teacher has noticed positive results too.  He has finished his school work in an appropriate time, not being last to finish.  She also said something that stuck to my heart....she said 'He isn't standing out lately.  He is blending in with the rest of the kids.'.  Exhale.  Smile.

I encourage individuality.  I encourage my kids to stand out in positive ways.  Until now, Seth has been standing out..but not how I want him to or how he would want to (if he realized he were different).  The fact that he is meshing and blending in with the others in the class makes me very happy.  This is a definite benefit.

I have noticed a few other things side affects that I wasn't expecting.  Along with being ADHD-inattentive he also has Asperger's Syndrome.  The Intuniv is allowing him to be more of himself...more Asperger's for sure.  His interesting humor is more pronounced.  He is asking so many questions right now...common sense type questions.  It's almost like so many things passed him by while he was in his haze and now he is seeing things and wanting to understand them for the first time.  He is having more dramatic tantrums.  In fact, he was having a fit recently and I said to him, 'You are having a fit.  Is this really what you want to do?'.  His huge, crisp eyes looked at me and he yelled, 'Yes I do!! And..I'm NOT having a fit!  I'm having a TANTRUM as a matter of fact!!' His pre-Intuniv tantrums were more physical....jumping up and down, punching himself in the head, etc.  This was different.  He articulated his feelings.  Exhale.  Smile.

All of this success has come at a smallish price.  The medication has made him physically ill.  The first week was not great.  He had stomach pain, diarrehea, and vomitting.  I was giving him the medication reluctantly, it seemed counter intuitive to give him something that would definetely make him sick.  The information told me this was normal and it would soon pass...it did.  It took a few days for the worst of it to pass and then gradually the other symptoms have waned.  The side affects were worse when we first started and when we upped the dosage.  He is up to 3mg now.  Time will tell if this is enough. 

This little blog doesn't really do justice to the scope of his situation, but these are tidbits that I hope others will find helpful.  I know just typing it out is helpful to me, I get to reflect on the little things and be glad in them. 

Exhale.  Smile.

The Load is Taking My Muchness..I'm taking it BACK!

I don't get enough sleep.  When I add up all that I do in a 24 hour period and then see the actual time I spend resting my body...ummm...it's no wonder I am sick with a wicked cold.  My day starts at 6:15 a.m. and sometimes doesn't end until 8 or later. I get lost in all of the doctor appointments, the to and fro of the extra curricular activities the 4 kids are in, and the day to day grind.  My husband is gone until the end of the summer, so the load is doubled in many ways.  It is a lot and doesn't leave me much time for a personal life, but I love my life and I love doing what I do for my family...I'm just lacking something.  Poor me, right.  Not exactly.

Yes, I need a break sometimes.  Yes, I need one less eye roll or complaint from the kids.  Yes, a few more hours of sleep would work too.  Yes, I need to take care of myself so that I don't get to this point ...where I look in the mirror at overgrown eyebrows, too many extra long gray hairs, and a few extra pounds and say 'What has happened?!'. 

I NEED my muchness back.  I'm not talking about self importance.  I'm not talking about pride.  I'm talking about the muchness I have in God.  The part of me that is being muffled and shaded.  The part that should speak the loudest and shine the brightest.  The Fruits of the Spirit, the traits that I have through God, the parts of me that without Him I fail to launch successfully....daily.  Specifically....

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22)


I have allowed my load to take a portion of all of these traits and wear me down and make me sick, literally.  So what to do, what to do.....

Oh I know....stop running myself ragged.  Start working out again.  Yoga was a regular thing, get back on that track.  Drink more water and get more SLEEP!

Thankfully, my first response in moments of despair has been to call out and cry out to God.  I spent some time this week sobbing to God.  I said to Him, 'I can't do this!'.  He immediately called back, 'Yes you can.'.  I cried back, 'But I don't know how!'.  He IMMEDIATELY called back, 'Yes you do.'.  He knows me better than I know myself.  I am thankful for everyday, thankful that He allows some trial and fire.  He has confidence in me.  So....'What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?'  Romans 8:31. 

It's time to slow down.  It's time to breathe.  It's time to appreciate the little things.  IT'S TIME TO TAKE MY MUCHNESS BACK!

Rethinking.....

In response to my last post..there has been a bit of a change. Clonidine, was not the drug of choice. Our pediatrician was upfront and confessed that she has no experience prescribing Clonidine to control tics. I respect her honesty. She was open about a few other medications, and we opted for a med called Intuniv. Intuniv is not a stimulant, so his tics should not be affected at all..no worse, no better. This pleases me and leaves me thanking God for His mercy in that arena. This is a blood pressure medication that has had a very positive result for kids with ADHD-inattentive. We will start small...1mg a day for a week, then up it to 2mg a day for the next week, then decide what to do from there. I am heavy hearted as I was convinced I would NEVER revisit even the option of putting Seth on another medication. Our current methods of treatment are helping him....just not enough. Accupuncture has been a big relief. I will never stop that treatment. He benefits greatly from it, but like I said, it just isn't enough. If you carry on a conversation with Seth, you may notice he needs complete silence to talk to you. He even gets distracted by his own mind. He may be in mid sentence and stop..look at you, and say, 'What was I saying?'. He does this MID SENTENCE! His teacher is struggling to teach him basic math skills. He is disruptive in class....raising his hand to tell her about a cartoon he saw yesterday while she is trying to teach a lesson. His mind is not there. He is in a haze, a fog, another realm. I know he is brilliant. As much time as he spends in his own thoughts, he should be getting straight Fs. It's because of his smarts that he is able to coast along....passing every subject. I was alright with the 'coasting along' until his very wise and wonderful teacher made a comment that I could not shake. 'Imagine what he could do if the fog lifted. Where could he go academically? I would love to see him excel, because I know he can...but not with this fog around him.' I chewed on that for a few weeks. Was she right? YES. Emphatically YES. I tossed around the idea of meds, going back and forth and back and forth. I knew for sure that we wanted to control the tics. The heartbreak behind them is too much for me and him and the rest of the world to bear. Then I came across Clonidine which would piggy back a standard stimulant ADHD drug, but would help control the exacerbated  (by the stimulant) tics... and that opened the doorway to considering other med options. So here we are at Intuniv. I will start him on it early next week and be praying that it is as perfect for him as it seems. Stay tuned.....that's the result I'm hoping to see in Seth :)

Aggravated with Asperger's & ADHD

So, Seth was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago and Asperger's Syndrome 1 year ago, and is exhibiting signs of Tourette's Syndrome. WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER!!! Rob and I tried a few different medications/dosages for him and he was miserable. His pre-existing muscle and vocal tics were worsened by the meds and it was just more than we could bear to watch....so we took him off all meds. We opted for a more natural approach to his treatment. Seth started going to a chiropractor for accupuncture and spinal adjustments 2x a week, that was a year and half ago. At first we saw a dramatic change. He was able to focus better than he had in a long time. What a peaceful place for us! Each week he got better and better....but now we are at a plateau. In fact, I think he may have regressed. One look at him and you can see that he is absent from what is going on right in front of him. The look in his eye is foggy and distracted. My heart breaks. I am considering medication again. Those very words hurt. I never thought I would go back to medication for him....but here I am, online and researching. I was introduced to Clonidine (which is used for many things) and is said to help with the tics that he experiences. When the Clonidine is taken with an ADHD med, it's supposed to suppress the extreme ticking that the med worsenes. My heart hurts. I just want him to be happy. I want him to learn. I want him to have friends. I want him to be confident. Right now he is lacking in many of these areas. My heart hurts and my head is confused.