Celebrating My Weaknesses...Or at Least Trying to!!

2 Corinthians 12:9

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

I have been a mother for 15 years.  I have smelled the breath of my newborn babies and poured my love into them as I rocked them in my arms.  I have ended the diaper era after, what seems, a zillion diapers.  I have felt the pride swell up in my chest as each child has mastered two wheels (but not before bandaging the knees of, what seems, a zillion falls first).  I have grounded, given consequences, yelled, screamed and stamped my feet at their disobedience and disrepect.  I have melted in sloppy kisses, held on extra long to hugs around my neck, and cherished many conversations that have started with 'Momma, I love you more than....'. 

Ahhh...those were the days.  Those were the days of being CONFIDENT in my choices with them.  The days of 'knowing' what I was doing.  I don't remember ever really second guessing my decisions as their mother.  I could look at them and know exactly what they needed.  I certainly thought I was in the most difficult stage of motherhood.  What could be worse than having 2 babies in diapers, one child potty training and another struggling with the angst of early elementary drama.  That was a very naive thought.  Though I truly did struggle and I truly was tired, I didn't consider that the future would be rewarding, but far more challenging.

The truth is....I speak baby and toddler much more fluently than teenager and tween.  I have read many books and was 'prepared' for this stage....or as prepared as I could have been.  There is a stark difference between book knowledge and real life experience.  My feelings get hurt a lot.  I'm ignored.  I'm an embarrassment.    I 'just don't understand'.  I am at the receiving end of the hormonal lashings.  (Keep in mind that I NEVER treated my mother this way...ha ha ha!)   I often look at my older kids and question myself.  They are so beautiful.  So talented.  So strong.  So fragile.  I acknowledge the big responsibility of leading, guiding, and loving them through this time in their lives.  I feel the weight of doing, saying, and being what they need at just the right time more than ever. 

The reality is....I often don't have the right answers.  I don't know the right thing to do or be.  Is it too much?  Is it not enough?  Is it fair?  I am constantly second guessing myself in discipline.  What is happening behind my back.....or do I even want to know?  Wait! I DO want to know!  Decisions, decisions.

I'm so thankful for the redeeming moments.  I know that when affection or attention is given it's sincere.  I know that we can have mature conversations about real issues...there is value in discussing world issues as opposed to reading Dr. Seuss books.  I can walk away from my house for a while and not worry that they will burn it down before I get back.  Household chores have become easier...supervising a lot more these days (nice change of pace in that area).  Major milestones in the adolescent years seem bigger as I know they will be fewer and farther in between.  Conversations that start with 'Mom, what do you think about...' are just as precious as the aforementioned. 

I am aware that I trek through uncharted territory in my life.  I am also aware that as the younger children are in these later stages I probably won't be so neurotic.  That is comforting.  The lack of confidence is a hang up for me though.  I have to get used to it.  I have to let God's Word come alive in this area of my life.  I believe what 2 Corinthians 12:9 says.  I just have to stop relying on my own understanding as, in this area, I don't have a true understanding of what I'm doing!!  I have to be ok with that.  His power IS perfected in my weakness.  His grace IS sufficient for me!  Again, thank you God for having more confidence in me than I have in myself.